My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
