Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
