dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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