my soul wont recognize me after tonight
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
