help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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