got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
