First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
