You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
