Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Randomize
