I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
