I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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