Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
