Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
