i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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