FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
