He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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