I think I just saw someone hide a body.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
