Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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