You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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