we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
