I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
