fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
