Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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