We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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