why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
