I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
