Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
