so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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