I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
