my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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