I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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