my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
worst night to have a conscience
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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