U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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