the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
