my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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