Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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