a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
