I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
