Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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