so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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