he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
