You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
