I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
