I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
