She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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