just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
