My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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