Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Boobs speak an international language.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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