So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
