I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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